I am blogging (publishing the things I notice about making stuff) again. No need to elaborate on the pile of excuses for why I haven’t because I’ve come to the realization that I have to. I have to do this for my own sanity. I do not have a choice not to follow the deeper impulse to write or share my work in public because my internal voice has become unignorable.
Point is: I am back and it feels so good to do this and if no one sees it—that’s ok, because the joy really is in the doing……..
But—is it Really? Is process the only point?
If true—that the only joy is in the process of making, writing, creating and building, then why publish? Why put anything out there? Why do I have this nagging need? I have been writing, journaling and making things consistently this whole time- I never stop making- It’s been a consistent theme throughout my entire life but since I haven’t been posting— and have been taking on less freelance because of school– I can’t shake this undeniable urge to post and share my insights and make art that other people get to see.
It’s like I have to share and as much as I don’t want to—or, as much as my ego tells me I don’t want to– it now feels like I can’t not.
I can’t not make things.
I can’t not share them.
I question this realization in myself- I’m still having a hard time trusting it and I’m actually embarrassed about it—a little bit. I like to think that I don’t need validation or approval or attention for anything I’m doing so why can’t I just create things in a vacuum? Making stuff is awesome- I do it all the time and I can’t avoid doing it- so why do I feel bad about not sharing any of the stuff I’ve made or thoughts I’ve had about making it recently?
This brings me to an unpleasant thought lurking in the depths of my psyche about artists who shove their stuff in everyone’s faces as being obnoxious and just looking for validation. The egotistical pride I’ve been giving myself on the fact that I don’t need that kind of approval is now revealing itself to me as just a big hoax. Is this just a mask to hide the fear of being seen?—disliked? falsely judged?– or
Gasp!——being seen as obnoxious or looking for validation? ……Even longer Gasp!
I now realize I have no choice but to share my stuff.
Because — What are ideas and art for if they’re not for other people to share in them?
And if people think I am obnoxious or looking for validation maybe that’s just a projection of their own insecurities– just like mine was. And, more importantly, if they do really think that—– so what?!?
Ultimately: It does not matter. None of this over–thinky thinking really matters!!
What matters is this:
I can’t not make things- AND I can’t not share them.
So, regardless of whether people like it and regardless of why you think I’m putting this out there,
Here is a clay sculpture I just made of some of my animal guides rising out of the depths of my subconscious mind.
Maybe that sounds flakey or kooky or airy-fairy-woo-woo and perhaps you think I’d be better off as a barefoot seed planter on an Organic avocado farm in California (no insult to organic avocado farmers intended) but- that is what it is to me. . . that is how it presented itself to me- and If it looks like something else to you—cool. It doesn’t change the fact that: I felt the urge to make this so I did.
And: I feel the urge to share it so I am:
And all this pondering about art and why make it and share it etc. reminded me of a few lines from this 90’s British trip-hop band that I used to love love love a long long time ago. It’s called “The Music That We Hear” by Morcheeba.
The chorus goes:
The music that we make will heal our mistakes and lead us.
The music that we hear is always standing near to feed us.
I believe in that.